monster
by weasley-twins-41
Summary: SPOILERS FOR "THE ANGELS TAKE MANHATTAN". Because you saw this coming. 'People are with you. They accompany you on your travels. But you can't blink, Doctor, because before you know it, they'll be gone.' Slightly dark. Rated T for that very reason. Please don't tell me this is transcripty. You should know by now that this is what I do best. Amy/Rory 11/River


**You guys totally saw this one coming.**

"**THE ANGELS TAKE MANHATTAN" SPOILERS!**

**Obviously.**

**I can't even handle how beautiful "The Angels Take Manhattan" was- the storyline, the character development, the absolutely FANTASTIC acting- just completely fabulous. And the lines in their last scene together- "**_**Come along, Pond, please." "Raggedy man, goodbye." –**_**just absolutely broke me. And the way the Doctor just broke and completely collapsed in on himself, while River stood there faithfully, watching the Angel for the both of them, spoke **_**volumes**_** about both of their characters. Oohh. Still internally crying after that episode…**

**Go listen to "Broken" by David Archuleta while you read this. It fits so well. Seriously.**

**I won't make you listen to my sobbing anymore. **_**Allons-y!**_

**P.S.- You guys should know by now that this is what I do- take scenes from the show and put it in someone's POV. Please, don't tell me again. I'm aware of that. This is what I do best.**

"Doctor!" he heard Amy scream, her voice full of fear.

Almost immediately, he plunged back out of the TARDIS, with River close on his heels. When he saw the cold stone Angel standing just in front of Amelia, his hearts sank down to his toes. Then a thought dawned on him- where was Rory? He looked back and forth between the Angel and Amelia, slowly making the connection in his head.

No. No. _No,_ not Rory. He was hiding, playing a game- that was all. Dread and fear filled the Doctor for the thousandth time that night. That blasted Angel had taken Rory _again_.

"Where the hell did _that_ come from?" River exclaimed, her voice hoarse. The Doctor instantly whipped out his sonic, scanning the stone creature.

"It's a survivor," he replied wearily, not daring to blink. "Very weak, but keep your eyes on it!" His voice was nowhere near stable at he tucked his sonic away into his deep pockets.

"Where's Rory?" Amelia enquired, her voice shaking.

The Doctor edged warily toward the Angel. Its arm was still outstretched, pointer finger extended. Carefully, the Doctor followed the Angel's blank gaze to a headstone just next to Amelia.

_IN LOVING MEMORY_

_RORY ARTHUR WILLIAMS_

_AGED 82_

No no no no no no. Not Rory. Not the Roman, the fearless centurion who once demolished an entire Cyberfleet to find his wife. Hurt and grief rose in the Doctor, and he knew that Rory was gone. Irretrievable. He didn't want to see the hurt in Amelia's eyes, but looked at her anyway.

"I'm sorry. Amelia, I'm so, so sorry."

She was quiet, looking directly at the accursed Angel, eyebrows furrowed. "No," she said softly. "No. We can just go and get him in the TARDIS. One more paradox!"

"It would rip New York apart-"

"That's not true, I don't believe you!" Amelia argued earnestly.

"Mother, it's true," River said, her voice trembling with those rare tears of hers.

Amelia seemed to shatter just a little bit, her eyes widening with hurt and filling with tears. The Doctor kept his eyes on her, still hurting. She hesitated for a fraction of a second, and then stepped forward.

"Amy?!" the Doctor questioned her hurriedly. "What are you doing?!" The Angel could get her if she went even a step closer!

"That gravestone- Rory's- there's room for one more name, isn't there?" She swayed back and forth a little, the wind blowing her hair into her face.

_WHAT?!_

"What are you talking about?" the Doctor demanded, his voice still marred by the lump in his throat he refused to acknowledge. He started toward her, trying to grab her hand, but she shook him away. "Back away from the Angel! Come back to the TARDIS, we'll figure something out!" he begged.

"The Angel- would it send me back to the same time, to him?" she asked, a note of terror creeping into her voice- unavoidably so. Her eyes were dead center on the Angel.

"I don't know!" the Doctor exclaimed. "Nobody knows!" He had not the foggiest idea of what she was trying to say. She would never… but… would she?

"But it's my best shot, yeah?"

_NO._

_NO._

_**NO!**_

Everything came crashing down on the Doctor all at once. Amelia intended to let the Angel take her, to let herself go back to any time period, to try and find her beloved Rory. "No!" came the half-strangled cry from the Time Lord's lips.

"Doctor, _shut up!_" River yelled. He looked to her, being crushed with anguish, a look of incredulousness on his face under the mask of pain. "Yes, yes, it is!"

"Amy-"

"Look, I just have to blink, right?" she said, with a new edge of confidence, her eyes still fixed on the statue.

"_NO!" _the Doctor screamed, his voice harshly cracking. No! His Amelia would NOT be lost today. His normally cool composure was splintering, and it would shatter soon. Tears sprang to his eyes without permission, a product of the unbelievable anguish and painstakingly strong hurt slowly killing him.

"It'll be fine!" Amelia's voice was full of soft reassurance and urgency, but the Doctor still didn't want to believe that she was actually going to do this. "I know it will- I'll be with him, like I should be. Me and Rory together."

In vain the Doctor tried to scrub his eyes free of the tears that were threatening to fall. He wanted so badly to pick Amy up and whisk her away, back to his box, back to the TARDIS, but he knew that was a battle he'd lose. She'd never stop fighting to get away from him; she'd never forgive him. Amelia would always be fighting for her Roman- the man who'd waited for her for two thousand years outside the Pandorica. Amelia had always loved Rory more, and it seemed so cruel that the Doctor was only seeing that now. She would not go quietly, but kicking and screaming and fighting… to the end.

"Melody?" Amelia's voice was trembling and scared. The Doctor felt completely helpless as Amelia's daughter crossed to her, and took Amelia's shaking hand. Amelia's eyes were still fixed on the Angel, never blinking, never wavering.

"Stop it! Just- just _stop it_!" the Doctor demanded harshly, but uselessly. He couldn't risk even touching Amelia, for fear that she would look away and have the Angel take one of them. He felt absolutely worthless, just as he had with every other bright companion he'd ever had, when they'd left him. The Gallifreyan looked around for something, anything that would help him make Amelia stay. If this was her choice, he would never see her face again, her sparkling green eyes. There would be too many paradoxes in New York, too many fragile timelines- even one visit from the TARDIS would shatter the world. Some savage monster was awakening inside him, clawing at its cage, rattling its own bars

Melody couldn't even look her mother in the eye. She had to resolve with holding Amelia's hand tightly. "You look after him," Amelia sobbed, and the Doctor turned round. _ I don't need looking after! _"You be a good girl and look after him!" Melody leaned down and kissed her mother's hand, holding it tightly with her eyes full of tears.

"You are creating _fixed time_," the Doctor warned, but was it really a warning? He didn't have enough anger for that right now. His voice wobbled with his effort to keep it even. "I will _never _be able to see you again!"

Amelia sagged a little under the weight of that. "I'll be fine," she said quietly, more reassuring to herself than to him. "I'll be with him!" She tried to laugh, but it morphed into a sob. The Angel was surely blurring by now for her, and the Doctor wondered how she managed to keep her eyes open.

"Amy," the Doctor pleaded. "_Please._ Just… come back, into the TARDIS." Amelia was sobbing hard now, her whole body shaking with tears. The Doctor wasn't much better- the salt water was burning his face as it made its way down.

"Come along, Pond, _please_," the Doctor begged. He was starting to shake now, his knees going weak and threatening to give way.

"Raggedy man," Amelia whimpered. She suddenly whipped around, looking him directly in the eyes, and he would forever curse himself for the second he took his eyes off the Angel.

"Goodbye," Amelia sobbed. He was just about to grab her when she disappeared in a flash of blue light.

Shock and pain and anguish of the cruelest kinds coursed through him. The Doctor stood there helplessly, his face contorted, his hands just hovering there with nothing to hold on to. No. No no no no no no no no no. His little Amelia _was _not gone. The Gallifreyan wouldn't accept it. He looked to the gravestone that River was leaning on, which now read:

_IN LOVING MEMORY_

_RORY ARTHUR WILLIAMS_

_AGED 82_

_AND HIS LOVING WIFE_

_AMELIA WILLIAMS_

_AGED 87_

"_No_," he choked, his voice tight, tears streaming down his face. He didn't want to believe it, but in that moment, he knew it was final.

He would never see his beloved Amelia ever again.

Some foreign, dark creature reared up inside him, twisting his insides and inflicting so much pain. Every inch of him was on _fire_, and he could do nothing. His middle seized up, and he fell forward into his hands, crying and sobbing half strangled, screaming sobs. His head was spinning, blocking out his senses and barely feeling it when River put her hand on his arm for comfort. The Doctor looked at the gravestone one last time.

And completely, utterly broke.

Nothing could keep him together. The storm the Time Lord was so blatantly famous for raged violent and fierce inside his body, like a wild monster set loose. His insides were screaming at everything to stop _stop __**STOP**_- because everything was pain and pain was everything, and the agony was ripping him apart, and the acid was burning his brain and his eyes and his body and eating him alive and piercing him like a thousand ragged teeth and - _oh dear Gallifrey it hurt so much-_

He couldn't stop _crying._ He had no emotional restrictions once he broke in this incarnation. That was why he'd loved being the man before this one- he could cut off his emotions at the slightest twitch of a finger. But now, he just couldn't _stop_, even when he pleaded for everything to just _end. _He wanted to stop this horrid sobbing, stop the tears that seemed eternal, but he just _could not_. He would have to wait until he couldn't cry anymore.

And indeed, he was a long time doing that.

Every time he would make the smallest attempt to stop, a fresh wave of pain would wash over him, and the gut-wrenching sobs would return, spinning his intestines into knots. He cried simply till he had no more tears to shed.

When he finally pulled himself back into reality, he found himself still in the cold graveyard, clutching his middle and face, on his knees. River was still with him, silently weeping, staring at the Angel who was supposed to be doing the same.

As his senses slowly returned, he became aware of River gently stroking his hair. A soft hand was on his back, pressing delicate circles into him in attempt to calm him down. Only then did he realize that she had been there the entire time, watching the Angel for the both of them. Guilt seeped into his veins like poison, and he choked out, "River, I'm so sorry."

She was quiet for an agonizingly long moment. Perhaps she didn't trust her own voice, or she was angry with him. But neither was true. She simply replied, "I'm fine."

They were both wordless for what seemed like years. The raging storm inside the Doctor had quieted to a low rumble, the monster caged, and the heat smoldering away.

But it still hurt. This new pain filed itself away in the mounds of guilt he felt for every shining companion he'd ever known or loved- Susan, Sarah Jane, Adric, the Brigadier, Rose, Martha, Donna, Jenny, Astrid, Wilf- all of them had eventually burned holes in his hearts. They'd lit a strong fire inside him, keeping him going and keeping him warm when things went cold. Their fires had flared, and then faded as time went on.

"It hurts, River," he whimpered, still shaking, but the tears were gone now.

"I know, sweetie, I know it hurts," she replied. Her voice was steady now, without any trace of pain.

"When will it _stop_?" he questioned her. "I can't do this, River- it's unbearable. Every single time, every person I've ever loved- I've killed part of them. And I know it's my fault. It's my fault- _every time_." He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself, but not succeeding in any way. "River, when will it end? When can _I_ end? When can I give up and die like the oth-"

He was cut off by River's furious voice.

"Don't you _dare. _Don't you dare talk like that, Doctor," she scolded. "You must keep going. You _must_. Even when it hurts so much you think you'll die." The Doctor had to hand it to River- she could scare away an army of Daleks with her anger.

"You can't give up. Not even when everything around you is falling apart. Did you give up, all those years ago, when you had to get rid of all those Time Lords and Gallifreyans that opposed you? No. You never give up. So why now?"

As the Doctor listened, he felt like a young child being rebuked by his mother. River was right. She was always undeniably right. When had _she _ever given up? He'd always been able to count on her… even to her last seconds.

River was still speaking. "And another thing- they don't die every time. Their lives aren't always ruined. Look at me." She placed her hand under his chin and brought his face around. "I'm not going anywhere. I'll be here as long as you want me. I don't plan on leaving or dying anytime soon."

As she said this, the Doctor's heart twisted into a painful knot. He knew. He'd been there in the bloody Library when the computer had incinerated her brain. When he'd finally opened his eyes, he'd found her still in the chair, slumped over with her mouth slightly open and tears still glimmering on her cheeks.

But he refused to let those tears for her fall. He would do that later, in the solitude of his own room. He said nothing, simply closing his eyes and turning away.

They sat in the graveyard for a long while, letting the clouds roll away and his storm vanish. The two Time Lords remained there until his face was dry, and the sun was gone.

When at last the final streams of light had disappeared from the sky, River took the Doctor's hand and pulled him up. Wearily, he trudged back to his beloved blue box and opened the door.

Upon entering he was hit very hard with a vast sense of emptiness. The TARDIS held no one besides them. He would never again see Rory trip and fall down the glass stairs, only to bob back up and insist he was fine. Never again would he find Amy admiring the symbols on the console and talking to the TARDIS, late at night when sleep evaded her. Never again would he see his dear Ponds.

With a huge sigh, he collapsed into the chair next to the console, burying his head in his hands. But there were no more tears. No, it seemed that he was incapable of it now. Some subconscious instinct in him had shut that part of him off, telling him to breathe and move on.

River began flipping the switches and turning the knobs on the console, steering them through the Time Vortex. She'd chosen to leave the brakes on, letting the sound greet his ears. But this time, it did not bring him joy. He was wallowing in his own misery, and he knew it. The whine of the engines only made him feel worse. He felt like he was taking the ultimate step by leaving the graveyard and New York behind… by leaving them behind. The Doctor would never forget them, of course- he remembered everyone. But he didn't want to make their disappearance final by leaving.

"River," he said suddenly. "River, please- there has to be something we can do."

"You know as well as I do that anything we try will not work." River replied shortly.

"I don't want to leave them behind, River, please!" he begged. The Time Lord stood, staggering to the console. In desperation he began to reverse all the things that River had done.

"Doctor, no!" River raced around the console and tried to work as fast as he was. He was getting emotional again, and that was always dangerous. "Doctor, listen to me."

He was unreachable. This raggedy man was in a haze, wildly pulling levers, flipping switches and turning knobs. His jaw was set, his mouth a hard line. The Doctor would not listen to her. If he shifted the temporal engines over just a half inch and blinded the paradox detectors, then maybe, just maybe…

"Doctor, I know exactly what you're thinking!" River exclaimed. "It won't work!"

"You don't know that." The Doctor's voice was low, clipped, and harsh, unyielding.

"Please, just listen-"

"No, _you_ listen, Melody Pond," he seethed, his voice fervent and dangerous. The storm was making a famous reappearance. "I _will not_ lose anyone else. I am going to get them even if I end up in hell and it tears this universe apart." His entire body was trembling with anger, and he was swaying back and forth.

"Doctor, there is NOTHING you can do for them!"

"_**HOW DO YOU KNOW?" **_he screamed in agony, throwing his vocal cords out with the sheer force of it. River reeled back, startled. This was so unlike him, so rare, and it scared her.

"How do you know, River?" he asked, his voice exceedingly gentler. "How can I leave then behind?" He stared daggers at her, daring her to make a response.

River was silent. She was still slightly disturbed by his outburst. She knew that now was crucial- if she didn't distract him now, their universe would be ripped apart, and them with it.

"Doctor, you are not leaving them behind," River insisted. "They chose to go of their own accord, and you know that. Is their happiness something you're willing to sacrifice, just so you can continue to be the impossible man that you are? Are your own wants and desires more important than theirs?"

The Doctor refused to meet her gaze, his jaw still locked. "No," he answered bitterly. He was silent for a long moment. Then, "How could I be so _vain,_ River? How could I think, even for a moment, that she would choose me over him? Over Rory?" He pointedly avoided her eyes again.

She did not answer him. River had always known that her mother would choose her father, no matter the circumstances. Even during the tense time when the Ponds had almost gotten divorced, she knew that they loved each other too deeply to actually choose different people so easily.

"Sweetie, it's not your fault," she soothed. She walked around the humming console, discreetly pressing a few buttons to set them away from New York. River stood next to the shaking Time Lord. Placing a hand where his jaw and neck connected, she murmured, "It was Amy and Rory's time. Just as all the rest had to let go, they did, too. They cannot stay forever. And you know that."

The Doctor closed his eyes, his whole jaw quivering. Without a word, he placed his hand on the main lever, his knuckles white. Pull the lever and they would go to New York. Push the lever and they would not.

River knew with absolute certainty that the Doctor was still lingering on the idea of going to New York. She knew that he still ached for his beloved friends, just as she did. So she made it easy for him. Placing her cool hand on his warm one, she looked directly into his eyes. He stared right back at her, into her soul, for what seemed like an eternity. Taking a deep breath… she pushed.

The whole TARDIS shuddered briefly, and then quieted.

When River looked back to the Doctor, grief and pity twisted her insides. His pain so mirrored her own, but she was determined to not let him see that. His lips were pressed tightly together, and there were tears streaming down his face again. She did not try to console him this time. River let him grieve for as long as he needed. She simply drew him into a tight hug, letting him collapse into her, like a little child. The Time Lady marveled at how infantine and yielding her beloved Doctor seemed when he was broken. He was so fragile and shivery, and that crumbled her heart. In a moment's weakness, she let a few tears fall from her eyes. Melody tucked his head under her chin, closing her eyes and rubbing his back. He sobbed quietly into her dress for a bit.

It was not as long this time to wait for him. He had done the majority of his mourning earlier, and he was drained in every way. With a great shuddering breath, he was silent.

He held on to her for a few more moments. Taking a deep breath, he released her, and stood up straight. River knew the face he had on all too well. The Doctor was draining himself of emotion. He was becoming apathetic, for the time being. She knew he needed this to continue on, but she still didn't like it when he was cold, distant, unfeeling. River never knew exactly how long he was like this, but she had to stay with him.

So, for now, she knew that their plans of going on an outing were gone.

But so was the storm, and that was all that mattered.


End file.
